Leaning in.

When I created this blog I thought that I was oh-so clever and witty to have come up with such a fun name. Now I laugh because it was such a fitting name and continues to be the story of my life. Jumping in with both feet and not looking back. I currently find myself surrounded by new things and new people. Many of these new people have been asking me about my story, where I've come from, what I've been doing, etc. Most everyone has responded with jaws dropped or simply a 'wow' when I describe the rapid turn around from one life to the next. I literally packed my stuff up from my home in Heyworth, drove to Columbus, and started my first class that same day. Then I came home to unpack and settle in. As I sat in my first class, on my first day my mind hit overload and I struggled to comprehend the transition I had just made. There was also a panic moment where I wondered if I had made the wrong decision, if I was going to be able to hack it, if it was too late to make another decision. These are the leaning moments in my life. Leaning moments? Yes, these are the moments when I have the option to either lean away and try to hold back out of uncertainty or to drop my shoulder and lean into it. Of course, I chose to lean in. I have no reason to think for a moment that this is not exactly where I need to be. Hard times are going to crop up, that's inevitable, but Lord may I remember your faithfulness that has brought me this far. And that I have no reason to believe that you won't continue to be faithful to the one who seeks you.

So, this is joy.

For those of you that haven't heard yet, my time at LeaderTreks ends August 15th at 11:50pm when I step off my flight at O'Hare. I've had a lot of time in the last couple of weeks to think about what this really means to be leaving the company that has facilitated a ton of growth in my life. There are a lot of mixed emotions. On the one hand I'm really sad to be leaving my work family that's been with me this last year, rejoicing and mourning together through a myriad of life events. On the other hand I'm incredibly excited to be starting the next chapter of my life at Capital University studying Art Therapy. Who doesn't love finally having a little direction, right? Anyway, I'm writing this entry on the back patio of the Ehorn's house (the absolute blessing of host parents that God so graciously put in my life that have been both supportive and encouraging the last two years). It's the perfect weather: sunny, with a light breeze and I thought to myself. Will I ever be as happy as I am in this moment right now? Everything seems perfect and I'm about to leave for the new "deep end" of Columbus, back into less than comfortable circumstances I'm sure. That thought was so fleeting I almost completely dismissed it completely. I can't do anything about securing my happiness in the future, but I have chosen to be joyful in all situations of my life. So here's to the things that are out of my control and to the things in the future that I can't see. May you worry about yourself and leave me to the profound happiness I have in this moment, remembering how good God is.

So you're telling me I have to wait?... Yep.

I am quickly approaching the end of another life chapter. Trip season kicks off in just a few weeks and I will be in the Dominican Republic for 4 weeks and the off to Honduras for another 6. After that? My time at LeaderTreks is finished. Holy cow. That's so hard to wrap my mind around. Let's backtrack for a moment. My journey with LeaderTreks (and to be perfectly my real relationship with following the Lord) started in June 2009 as an arrogant and broken college Sophomore who was miserable with life but had no idea that it could be any different. My internship changed my life. For Pete sake, I had never even seen mountains until we drove through Kentucky on our way to our first site of the summer! The adventure, the conversations, the devotionals, evaluation, the PEOPLE! Oh my soul! I had no idea there was so much MORE to life! It wasn't long before the thought of returning to my old life made me nauseous (that's not an exaggeration). I wanted more, but had absolutely no idea what that 'more' looked like. So I went back for 'more' and applied to do LT's two year Summit program, hoping that time would flesh-out what it was. During that waiting period, I spent many prayer times reading through Lamentations 3. Specifically the part where it says that "... the Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul that seeks him..." I clung to that verse like it was my last resort, because it was. I had nothing else to cling to and this gave me hope. Hope, that one day the Lord would bring me to a place where He would fulfill the desires of my heart in a way that only He could. This was no overnight process and I was in for the ride of my life. Even after being with LT for a year I still had no idea what was next, but I still continued to believe that the Lord is indeed faithful. So, finally, after 2 1/2 years since I started this process I can say I know what comes next. I'm going back to school!... never thought I would ever be excited to utter those words, but I am. I've been accepted into the Art Therapy program at Capital University in Columbus, Ohio! The Lord is faithful, indeed. I have a direction and a passion and so far He has done SOO much to prepare the way for me. I've still got a ways to go before classes start August 27th, but I am so over joyed with the fact that the Lord has answered me and He is truly good to those who seek Him.

When there's no smoking gun...

This Sunday was the first Sunday that I've gotten to be in my home church here in Chicago since February and BOY! what a killer sermon it was. Father (it's an Anglican church...) Kevin Miller dropped the hammer as he talked about Thomas's doubt that Christ had risen. His main points:
1)If you need more evidence that Christ is who He says He is, more evidence will be given. Hence why Jesus showed up specifically to let Thomas stick his hands into his wounds.
2)Sometimes we don't really need more evidence. Sometimes we need to gird up our loins and obey what we have already been shown. This is why the Lord refused to perform miracles for the Pharisees. They had enough evidence, but lacked obedience... Which is nothing new for the Pharisees...

Needless to say I took a mental step back as I listened to Father Kevin speak. Who am I in this situation? Thomas? Hmmmm, maybe? Ok not really. Pharisee? Ouch, indeed I am. I have seen the Lord undeniably at work in the lives of students, I've perceived Him in nature, and felt Him at work in my consciousness, teaching me, protecting my heart, softening my heart, and convicting me of my sin.

So why then does this doubt creep in and take hold? I don't know and I don't know how to stop it. What I do know is that my heart resonates with the man in Mark 9:24 who cries out "I believe; help my unbelief!" And this is my prayer before My Father: Lord I have seen Your might power and I've felt your great love. Help me to obey what I know to be true. Amen"

If your interested in listening to the whole sermon (and I hope you are) here is the link:
http://churchrez.org/sermons/
It's not up yet, but it should be soon!

This Is My Prayer In The Desert:

I recently had it pointed out to me that, before they began their calling from the Lord, many of our great 'heroes of the faith' began their ministry in a time of waiting. John the Baptist spent the majority of his life in the wilderness waiting and "preparing the way of the Lord." Jesus spent forty days in the wilderness before he ever called his first disciple. The apostle Paul spent time in the desert of Arabia before he carried the Gospel to the Gentiles.

I'm not much for waiting- or for being patient really-, but for what seems the first time ever, I can see how important it is to be engaged in the present. I've caught glimpses of things that are yet to come in my life, in terms of ministry, but with at least 8 months left before the next big step, I'm caught in a time of waiting. It's so tempting to want to switch to autopilot and coast through that time until I get to something new, but I need this time. In a way, I feel like I'm in a desert place much like Paul, Jesus, and John. This place where I am being held down long enough to have my heart rate slow and my vision focus.

Quite frankly, God cares more for the state of my heart than He does my circumstances. So, I am resigning to no longer pray for a change in my physical circumstance, or for a fast-forward through them, but for God to use this precious desert time to pull the blinders off my heart and to engage me in what He's got going on now.

Winter's Soul

Thank you, Father, for the seasons that change. Thank you, for the bitter winter that makes summer beautiful. I wish that I could wait for You like I wait for Spring: confidently and eagerly.

Awkward, Stumbling Steps Of Obedience

Turns out that I'm just as bad about updating my blog as I am at getting newsletters out in a timely manner. Truth is when I sit down to write, I could write for days about life, God, and the adventure that happens when the two intersect. It's overwhelming and quite frankly frustrating that I don't know enough words to accurately describe what it is I'm thinking/feeling in that moment. Most of the time, if I can't say it how I want to, I just don't say it at all. I'm quite stubborn like that. But that does no one any good. I don't get to share the stories of my life, you don't get updates, and God gets no glory for it all. Such a tragedy. I can choose to think that it's because I really care about the quality of the work I produce so it has to be perfect, but it's really about me not wanting to be an obedient fool.

Let me unpack that: we've got it all wrong if we think what we should be working towards is getting things right every single time, first time, every time; never falling into temptation, never making the same mistake twice, forgetting what we already know, etc. But it's not. It's about taking those awkward, stumbling steps of obedience. The ones that come only from sheer determination of knowing this is what needs to happen. Like watching someone whose leg has fallen asleep try to run and answer the phone. It has to be answered but getting there is going to be messy and undignified.

I will fall and it will be messy and you might think less of me for my lack of perfection, but that doesn't matter. The world wants absolutes and perfection from me, but the best that I can muster- and will ever be able to muster- is a shipwrecked soul in dire need of grace. I will never be able to walk though life sans mistakes. I will never have it all together all the time. I will doubt. I will sin. I will hurt those I love most. Because I am human. That fact doesn't excuse me from all these things. I deserve punishment for them, but God shows me kindness and forbearance of sentencing which brings me to my knees in repentance. They remind me of the fool that I am and how God has chosen me to be a part of the process of His Kingdom.

Since this realization life has become more rich, knowing I have nothing to hide behind. I am free from the millstone of perfection around my neck and can breath in deep the love that I don't deserve, but that no one can take from me. My only choice is to accept it and try to say thank you with these awkward, stumbling steps of obedience.