Home

The first few moments of wakefulness I experience in the morning is often the most confusing part of my day. For a few, brief minutes my whole life (past, present, future, reality, and dream) exists at once. Due to the amount that I have traveled (and continue to move around), I have issues remembering what country, state, and city I'm waking up in. Some days I'm delighted to find I'm not in the place I thought I was, but more often than not I wake up to wish I were some place else.

I've been thinking a lot about "homesickness" these days. Why am I homesick for certain places I've been and not for others? Why am I homesick for places I've never been? Will this feeling ever go away? Am I, deep down, really just homesick for heaven and if so, will spend my entire life on Earth restlessly searching among secondary options?

Let's start at the root, shall we? I started thinking about all the places I felt homesick for. Places like Montana and Arizona, Colorado and Kentucky, Costa Rica and Honduras, Chicago and the Wyoming wilderness, the Apostle Islands and the Gila in New Mexico. I accredited this longing to my deep desire for adventure and nature, but a conversation with a friend has had me thinking that this might not be the whole story. I asked him if he ever got homesick for places he's been. He responded with something like a "Oh my goodness, YES!" and began to rattle off all the places he's lived and longs to be. Then he said something flippantly that hit me hard: "I long most for the places that I've been and have known the Lord there." 

That is what has got me thinking. 

Maybe it's not the actual places I miss after all. I learn best by experiences and thus crave experiences with my creator. I long to be pushed to the end of who I am so I can experience the way the He fills in that gap. I miss knowing that I can't rely on myself and must daily ask for strength. I miss the uncertainty of every day, waking up to a thousand unknowns to watch how they play out through the day. THIS! This is living.

I wake up to this life every morning, but have lacked the eyes to see it. Things in my life have slowed down considerably, but it's still the same God. I may wake up in the same house every day for three months, but I still have that same need to experience Him. There may not be an under resourced,  unreached, non-English speaking group of people before me waiting to hear about Jesus, but there is still that same list of opportunities to be at the end of myself. There may not be a mountain to climb or a sea to cross, but there's still that same need to ask for strength. There may be less variables to my day, but there is still that same uncertainty of every moment.

And for me, this is home.

On a need to know basis.

I believe lies. I believe that if I'm seeking after what the Lord has for me then I should be able to see how everything fits together. There is none of that and so I believe that the Lord is displeased with me, possibly even frustrated. I'm failing and I need to figure out what I'm doing wrong and fix it.
Now.
I see disappointment in his face because I can't seem to pull it together.

There's only one thing wrong with this picture. This is not who the Lord is. When I look at him and see disappointment, I'm not really looking at Him.

I often have this image of the Lord in my mind of Him holding my face in his hands and there is nothing but love and gentleness in His eyes as he pushes my hair back out of my face. My eyes, however, are shut tight. "How can you love me? I can't hold on to your truth, I habitually make the same mistakes, I don't trust you, and, oh yea, I'm really good at trying to do everything myself..."

And He waits. He listens to me make my case against myself as to why he shouldn't love me. It's a good one too: I'm stubborn, I'm impatient, I swear, I choose to be angry, I harden my heart when I don't want to deal with something, I refuse to cry, I cower away from divine appointments, and on goes the list.

Patiently, he waits for me to stop talking and open my eyes. He waits for me to see that there is no judgement in his face, no condemnation, no you-should-have-everything-together expectation. There is only love.

When I finally tire of my list he simply says to me, "I know... and I still died for you, because I love you. There's nothing that you can do that's ever going to change that fact." And then I'm a hot mess because I've opened my eyes to see grace staring back at me. He continues, "Stop fighting me, stop with this need to know what comes next, and know that I don't do things by the book. You are going to be alright."

The Art of Deep End Jumping

My life seems to be in a constant state of transitioning from one adventure to another. From high school to college, quitting college to work for LeaderTreks in Chicago, to- what felt like- traversing the world a few times over, to now being back in school in Columbus, OH. In all of this I have never been good at keeping people informed or in the loop about my habitual-deep-end-jumping life. So I'm about to take a stab at summing up the last two months. In August I completed my time working with LeaderTreks.

Two years of my life was devoted to running trips, mentoring countless amazing students, and learning more about myself. I had left college to join LT because I had no idea where I was going. 

No vision. No dream. No hope.

To think of the future was to mentally drown myself in the immensity of directionless decision making. So I joined on with the only hope I had, an organization that wanted to equip me and help me discover myself as I helped and discovered others. Somewhere in the last two years I learned to dream. I learned that I was not a victim of my circumstances, but I had the ability to lead change. I learned that Jesus died and conquered death and because of that fact, I am free to live without the fear of what man thinks or does, because He cannot be stopped. I dreamed of inviting other people into this freedom, but how?

Two things I have always loved: art and people. Never had I entertained the idea of doing art as a professions and thus searched for more "practical" professions. Little did I know that through my two years the Lord would show me that my love of art could in fact be a means to invite people (whom I love) into freedom.

I am currently studying Art Therapy at Capital University in Columbus, OH where I am on the verge of something so much larger than myself. I, once again, find myself to be in the Deep End of life learning how to swim. I've leaped before I've looked, but had I looked I don't know if I would have leaped. I have moments where I can't believe where I am and what I'm doing, but I also remember the sweet assurance the Lord gives me that, as long as I am pursuing Him, I can't fail in the grand scheme of eternity. I will most definitely fall on my face a time or two and learn from it, but I will never be outside of His love for me.

Thank you to all of you who held me up in prayer and supported me these last few years. I would not have made it through this time if it was not for you all. I thank the Lord for you always and pray that you will reap generously because you have sewn generously.

Leaning in.

When I created this blog I thought that I was oh-so clever and witty to have come up with such a fun name. Now I laugh because it was such a fitting name and continues to be the story of my life. Jumping in with both feet and not looking back. I currently find myself surrounded by new things and new people. Many of these new people have been asking me about my story, where I've come from, what I've been doing, etc. Most everyone has responded with jaws dropped or simply a 'wow' when I describe the rapid turn around from one life to the next. I literally packed my stuff up from my home in Heyworth, drove to Columbus, and started my first class that same day. Then I came home to unpack and settle in. As I sat in my first class, on my first day my mind hit overload and I struggled to comprehend the transition I had just made. There was also a panic moment where I wondered if I had made the wrong decision, if I was going to be able to hack it, if it was too late to make another decision. These are the leaning moments in my life. Leaning moments? Yes, these are the moments when I have the option to either lean away and try to hold back out of uncertainty or to drop my shoulder and lean into it. Of course, I chose to lean in. I have no reason to think for a moment that this is not exactly where I need to be. Hard times are going to crop up, that's inevitable, but Lord may I remember your faithfulness that has brought me this far. And that I have no reason to believe that you won't continue to be faithful to the one who seeks you.

So, this is joy.

For those of you that haven't heard yet, my time at LeaderTreks ends August 15th at 11:50pm when I step off my flight at O'Hare. I've had a lot of time in the last couple of weeks to think about what this really means to be leaving the company that has facilitated a ton of growth in my life. There are a lot of mixed emotions. On the one hand I'm really sad to be leaving my work family that's been with me this last year, rejoicing and mourning together through a myriad of life events. On the other hand I'm incredibly excited to be starting the next chapter of my life at Capital University studying Art Therapy. Who doesn't love finally having a little direction, right? Anyway, I'm writing this entry on the back patio of the Ehorn's house (the absolute blessing of host parents that God so graciously put in my life that have been both supportive and encouraging the last two years). It's the perfect weather: sunny, with a light breeze and I thought to myself. Will I ever be as happy as I am in this moment right now? Everything seems perfect and I'm about to leave for the new "deep end" of Columbus, back into less than comfortable circumstances I'm sure. That thought was so fleeting I almost completely dismissed it completely. I can't do anything about securing my happiness in the future, but I have chosen to be joyful in all situations of my life. So here's to the things that are out of my control and to the things in the future that I can't see. May you worry about yourself and leave me to the profound happiness I have in this moment, remembering how good God is.

So you're telling me I have to wait?... Yep.

I am quickly approaching the end of another life chapter. Trip season kicks off in just a few weeks and I will be in the Dominican Republic for 4 weeks and the off to Honduras for another 6. After that? My time at LeaderTreks is finished. Holy cow. That's so hard to wrap my mind around. Let's backtrack for a moment. My journey with LeaderTreks (and to be perfectly my real relationship with following the Lord) started in June 2009 as an arrogant and broken college Sophomore who was miserable with life but had no idea that it could be any different. My internship changed my life. For Pete sake, I had never even seen mountains until we drove through Kentucky on our way to our first site of the summer! The adventure, the conversations, the devotionals, evaluation, the PEOPLE! Oh my soul! I had no idea there was so much MORE to life! It wasn't long before the thought of returning to my old life made me nauseous (that's not an exaggeration). I wanted more, but had absolutely no idea what that 'more' looked like. So I went back for 'more' and applied to do LT's two year Summit program, hoping that time would flesh-out what it was. During that waiting period, I spent many prayer times reading through Lamentations 3. Specifically the part where it says that "... the Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul that seeks him..." I clung to that verse like it was my last resort, because it was. I had nothing else to cling to and this gave me hope. Hope, that one day the Lord would bring me to a place where He would fulfill the desires of my heart in a way that only He could. This was no overnight process and I was in for the ride of my life. Even after being with LT for a year I still had no idea what was next, but I still continued to believe that the Lord is indeed faithful. So, finally, after 2 1/2 years since I started this process I can say I know what comes next. I'm going back to school!... never thought I would ever be excited to utter those words, but I am. I've been accepted into the Art Therapy program at Capital University in Columbus, Ohio! The Lord is faithful, indeed. I have a direction and a passion and so far He has done SOO much to prepare the way for me. I've still got a ways to go before classes start August 27th, but I am so over joyed with the fact that the Lord has answered me and He is truly good to those who seek Him.

When there's no smoking gun...

This Sunday was the first Sunday that I've gotten to be in my home church here in Chicago since February and BOY! what a killer sermon it was. Father (it's an Anglican church...) Kevin Miller dropped the hammer as he talked about Thomas's doubt that Christ had risen. His main points:
1)If you need more evidence that Christ is who He says He is, more evidence will be given. Hence why Jesus showed up specifically to let Thomas stick his hands into his wounds.
2)Sometimes we don't really need more evidence. Sometimes we need to gird up our loins and obey what we have already been shown. This is why the Lord refused to perform miracles for the Pharisees. They had enough evidence, but lacked obedience... Which is nothing new for the Pharisees...

Needless to say I took a mental step back as I listened to Father Kevin speak. Who am I in this situation? Thomas? Hmmmm, maybe? Ok not really. Pharisee? Ouch, indeed I am. I have seen the Lord undeniably at work in the lives of students, I've perceived Him in nature, and felt Him at work in my consciousness, teaching me, protecting my heart, softening my heart, and convicting me of my sin.

So why then does this doubt creep in and take hold? I don't know and I don't know how to stop it. What I do know is that my heart resonates with the man in Mark 9:24 who cries out "I believe; help my unbelief!" And this is my prayer before My Father: Lord I have seen Your might power and I've felt your great love. Help me to obey what I know to be true. Amen"

If your interested in listening to the whole sermon (and I hope you are) here is the link:
http://churchrez.org/sermons/
It's not up yet, but it should be soon!

This Is My Prayer In The Desert:

I recently had it pointed out to me that, before they began their calling from the Lord, many of our great 'heroes of the faith' began their ministry in a time of waiting. John the Baptist spent the majority of his life in the wilderness waiting and "preparing the way of the Lord." Jesus spent forty days in the wilderness before he ever called his first disciple. The apostle Paul spent time in the desert of Arabia before he carried the Gospel to the Gentiles.

I'm not much for waiting- or for being patient really-, but for what seems the first time ever, I can see how important it is to be engaged in the present. I've caught glimpses of things that are yet to come in my life, in terms of ministry, but with at least 8 months left before the next big step, I'm caught in a time of waiting. It's so tempting to want to switch to autopilot and coast through that time until I get to something new, but I need this time. In a way, I feel like I'm in a desert place much like Paul, Jesus, and John. This place where I am being held down long enough to have my heart rate slow and my vision focus.

Quite frankly, God cares more for the state of my heart than He does my circumstances. So, I am resigning to no longer pray for a change in my physical circumstance, or for a fast-forward through them, but for God to use this precious desert time to pull the blinders off my heart and to engage me in what He's got going on now.