I believe lies. I believe that if I'm seeking after what the Lord has for me then I should be able to see how everything fits together. There is none of that and so I believe that the Lord is displeased with me, possibly even frustrated. I'm failing and I need to figure out what I'm doing wrong and fix it.
Now.
I see disappointment in his face because I can't seem to pull it together.
There's only one thing wrong with this picture. This is not who the Lord is. When I look at him and see disappointment, I'm not really looking at Him.
I often have this image of the Lord in my mind of Him holding my face in his hands and there is nothing but love and gentleness in His eyes as he pushes my hair back out of my face. My eyes, however, are shut tight. "How can you love me? I can't hold on to your truth, I habitually make the same mistakes, I don't trust you, and, oh yea, I'm really good at trying to do everything myself..."
And He waits. He listens to me make my case against myself as to why he shouldn't love me. It's a good one too: I'm stubborn, I'm impatient, I swear, I choose to be angry, I harden my heart when I don't want to deal with something, I refuse to cry, I cower away from divine appointments, and on goes the list.
Patiently, he waits for me to stop talking and open my eyes. He waits for me to see that there is no judgement in his face, no condemnation, no you-should-have-everything-together expectation. There is only love.
When I finally tire of my list he simply says to me, "I know... and I still died for you, because I love you. There's nothing that you can do that's ever going to change that fact." And then I'm a hot mess because I've opened my eyes to see grace staring back at me. He continues, "Stop fighting me, stop with this need to know what comes next, and know that I don't do things by the book. You are going to be alright."
