I recently had it pointed out to me that, before they began their calling from the Lord, many of our great 'heroes of the faith' began their ministry in a time of waiting. John the Baptist spent the majority of his life in the wilderness waiting and "preparing the way of the Lord." Jesus spent forty days in the wilderness before he ever called his first disciple. The apostle Paul spent time in the desert of Arabia before he carried the Gospel to the Gentiles.
I'm not much for waiting- or for being patient really-, but for what seems the first time ever, I can see how important it is to be engaged in the present. I've caught glimpses of things that are yet to come in my life, in terms of ministry, but with at least 8 months left before the next big step, I'm caught in a time of waiting. It's so tempting to want to switch to autopilot and coast through that time until I get to something new, but I need this time. In a way, I feel like I'm in a desert place much like Paul, Jesus, and John. This place where I am being held down long enough to have my heart rate slow and my vision focus.
Quite frankly, God cares more for the state of my heart than He does my circumstances. So, I am resigning to no longer pray for a change in my physical circumstance, or for a fast-forward through them, but for God to use this precious desert time to pull the blinders off my heart and to engage me in what He's got going on now.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Winter's Soul
Thank you, Father, for the seasons that change. Thank you, for the bitter winter that makes summer beautiful. I wish that I could wait for You like I wait for Spring: confidently and eagerly.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Awkward, Stumbling Steps Of Obedience
Turns out that I'm just as bad about updating my blog as I am at getting newsletters out in a timely manner. Truth is when I sit down to write, I could write for days about life, God, and the adventure that happens when the two intersect. It's overwhelming and quite frankly frustrating that I don't know enough words to accurately describe what it is I'm thinking/feeling in that moment. Most of the time, if I can't say it how I want to, I just don't say it at all. I'm quite stubborn like that. But that does no one any good. I don't get to share the stories of my life, you don't get updates, and God gets no glory for it all. Such a tragedy. I can choose to think that it's because I really care about the quality of the work I produce so it has to be perfect, but it's really about me not wanting to be an obedient fool.
Let me unpack that: we've got it all wrong if we think what we should be working towards is getting things right every single time, first time, every time; never falling into temptation, never making the same mistake twice, forgetting what we already know, etc. But it's not. It's about taking those awkward, stumbling steps of obedience. The ones that come only from sheer determination of knowing this is what needs to happen. Like watching someone whose leg has fallen asleep try to run and answer the phone. It has to be answered but getting there is going to be messy and undignified.
I will fall and it will be messy and you might think less of me for my lack of perfection, but that doesn't matter. The world wants absolutes and perfection from me, but the best that I can muster- and will ever be able to muster- is a shipwrecked soul in dire need of grace. I will never be able to walk though life sans mistakes. I will never have it all together all the time. I will doubt. I will sin. I will hurt those I love most. Because I am human. That fact doesn't excuse me from all these things. I deserve punishment for them, but God shows me kindness and forbearance of sentencing which brings me to my knees in repentance. They remind me of the fool that I am and how God has chosen me to be a part of the process of His Kingdom.
Since this realization life has become more rich, knowing I have nothing to hide behind. I am free from the millstone of perfection around my neck and can breath in deep the love that I don't deserve, but that no one can take from me. My only choice is to accept it and try to say thank you with these awkward, stumbling steps of obedience.
Let me unpack that: we've got it all wrong if we think what we should be working towards is getting things right every single time, first time, every time; never falling into temptation, never making the same mistake twice, forgetting what we already know, etc. But it's not. It's about taking those awkward, stumbling steps of obedience. The ones that come only from sheer determination of knowing this is what needs to happen. Like watching someone whose leg has fallen asleep try to run and answer the phone. It has to be answered but getting there is going to be messy and undignified.
I will fall and it will be messy and you might think less of me for my lack of perfection, but that doesn't matter. The world wants absolutes and perfection from me, but the best that I can muster- and will ever be able to muster- is a shipwrecked soul in dire need of grace. I will never be able to walk though life sans mistakes. I will never have it all together all the time. I will doubt. I will sin. I will hurt those I love most. Because I am human. That fact doesn't excuse me from all these things. I deserve punishment for them, but God shows me kindness and forbearance of sentencing which brings me to my knees in repentance. They remind me of the fool that I am and how God has chosen me to be a part of the process of His Kingdom.
Since this realization life has become more rich, knowing I have nothing to hide behind. I am free from the millstone of perfection around my neck and can breath in deep the love that I don't deserve, but that no one can take from me. My only choice is to accept it and try to say thank you with these awkward, stumbling steps of obedience.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
"God is great, God is good" and other worn out prayers.
At the beginning of the summer I asked myself one simple question: How is prayer going to shape the next 10 weeks (now really 11) of my life. I sit here writing to tell you that prayer did not just shape my life, it has obliterated the shell of something half-hearted and has left in its place something more precious to me than all the sapphires in the world.
For the most part, it was a marathon of an answer to find. It began the simple commitment to actually pray; more than just before meals and as I was falling asleep. So, we did. Every night Em, Colt, and I would get together and pray to see God's kingdom coming, to see the needs of the community met, and to see students become enamored with Christ. We prayed big things and we prayed small things and we saw God at work more than we had ever before.
In the midst of all this praying, I began to wonder: If God is good, then wouldn't he have done these things even if we hadn't asked him to? I believe, now, that the answer is yes. God's will is above all human knowledge and cannot be derailed by any human hands, so why do we bother to bow our heads, fold our hands, and cry out?
The answer to this came to me like a smack in the face. I was sitting on a bench in Gaisman Community Center in Memphis, TN watching our team of high school students play with some of the roughest kids I have ever met. As I sat there, I started to recall some of the life stories of kids who grew up here, along with statistics I had memorized before the trip (i.e. 85% of kids in Memphis grow up without a father, 35% of the incoming freshmen will graduate high school; 6% of that 35% will go on to college.). I felt my heart begin to shatter and to feel so inept to meet their needs. So, out of my newly formed habit, I began to pray. I prayed that people would come and be the father figures and the love that these kids need. I prayed that they would see that they have more choices than they ever thought; that they are more than mere victims of their circumstances. Then it hit me- and I know this thought could have only been from God, because I had never heard it anywhere else and it was too perfect to have come from my own mind- "I want you to be a part of the process. I want you to witness my kingdom in the coming. Look around and see."
It's true, God doesn't need us. He CHOOSES us. He invites us into the process so that we can see and know that He is active. By us praying for people, we are invited into the beginning when there seems to be no hope. We pray and glimmers of hope appear. We hold onto those glimmers knowing that above all else, God is faithful. And as we continue to pray, our eyes are wide open, sensitive to each change. Just like a weather man can predict the weather because he has been trained to watch and understand. Prayer is our radar. By praying we can see things way off in the distance and prepare for them. Rejoicing is even sweeter because you have weathered time and heartache and have longed to see that day come. It is a beautiful picture when one can fully grasp how life changing prayer is and how it is WAY more than just a blessing on food.
Just when I think that there is nothing in this world that can make me love God more, he humbles me and reminds me that I am his child. He loves me fiercely and invites me to be a part of this coming kingdom.
For the most part, it was a marathon of an answer to find. It began the simple commitment to actually pray; more than just before meals and as I was falling asleep. So, we did. Every night Em, Colt, and I would get together and pray to see God's kingdom coming, to see the needs of the community met, and to see students become enamored with Christ. We prayed big things and we prayed small things and we saw God at work more than we had ever before.
In the midst of all this praying, I began to wonder: If God is good, then wouldn't he have done these things even if we hadn't asked him to? I believe, now, that the answer is yes. God's will is above all human knowledge and cannot be derailed by any human hands, so why do we bother to bow our heads, fold our hands, and cry out?
The answer to this came to me like a smack in the face. I was sitting on a bench in Gaisman Community Center in Memphis, TN watching our team of high school students play with some of the roughest kids I have ever met. As I sat there, I started to recall some of the life stories of kids who grew up here, along with statistics I had memorized before the trip (i.e. 85% of kids in Memphis grow up without a father, 35% of the incoming freshmen will graduate high school; 6% of that 35% will go on to college.). I felt my heart begin to shatter and to feel so inept to meet their needs. So, out of my newly formed habit, I began to pray. I prayed that people would come and be the father figures and the love that these kids need. I prayed that they would see that they have more choices than they ever thought; that they are more than mere victims of their circumstances. Then it hit me- and I know this thought could have only been from God, because I had never heard it anywhere else and it was too perfect to have come from my own mind- "I want you to be a part of the process. I want you to witness my kingdom in the coming. Look around and see."
It's true, God doesn't need us. He CHOOSES us. He invites us into the process so that we can see and know that He is active. By us praying for people, we are invited into the beginning when there seems to be no hope. We pray and glimmers of hope appear. We hold onto those glimmers knowing that above all else, God is faithful. And as we continue to pray, our eyes are wide open, sensitive to each change. Just like a weather man can predict the weather because he has been trained to watch and understand. Prayer is our radar. By praying we can see things way off in the distance and prepare for them. Rejoicing is even sweeter because you have weathered time and heartache and have longed to see that day come. It is a beautiful picture when one can fully grasp how life changing prayer is and how it is WAY more than just a blessing on food.
Just when I think that there is nothing in this world that can make me love God more, he humbles me and reminds me that I am his child. He loves me fiercely and invites me to be a part of this coming kingdom.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Two for the price of one...
6/18/2011
Week one down in Memphis, seven more to go, and there is no turning back now. Tonight we went out to dinner with our missionary partners, who just might be the most amazing people I’ve ever worked with. As we stood on the bank of the Mighty Mississippi the hot Memphis air competed with the smooth breeze of an impending storm and we talked of injustice and grace.
Steve, one of our partners, said, “Bad neighborhoods aren’t bad because bad people move in; they’re bad because good people move out. In your best neighborhood you will have bad people and there is nothing that will change that.” They drove us around several neighborhoods and pointed out dozens of houses of people who have chosen to move into the roughest, toughest, scariest places because they understand what these people need most is consistency and someone to love them. They need someone who is going to hold them accountable to what they do, to show up to sporting events when their parents won’t, someone to provide a safe haven and a strong hand. They don’t need our pity or our money; they need faith, but most importantly peace.
In the car on our way home from dinner we talked about intentional living strategies. When you’re called to a foreign country to do ministry, what do you do to prepare for that transition? 1) Move there, duh. 2) Study the culture and history. 3) Learn the language. 4)Find out where they –ing and –ing with them. (I.E. Shopping, eating, walking, laughing, etc.). You will bumble through attempted friendships until you find someone who is warm, excepting and willing to teach you the ins and outs of this new place. The exact same thing works for inner city ministry. Turns out it’s not rocket science after all, but it takes a whole lot of perseverance.
You will face resistance, be pushed back and knocked down several times until it seems like you’re ready to give up, but the moment when you’re at your wit’s end is when it gets good.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
6/25/2011
Colton, Emily, and I have just said good bye to our second group of student and are taking a break at the Memphis Public Library. This last trip started off with a bang... well it was more of a smash... Within the first hour of the trip the youth pastor, the female adult staff, and myself managed to accidentally break a window of the fifteen passenger van in an attempt to retrieve the keys that were locked inside. A few minor cuts, a trash bag, some duct tape, and a whole lot of sweeping later, the window was patched.
the week did get better from there.
One question that I want to be able to answer at the end of my summer is this: How has prayer shaped the last 10 weeks?
I want to be more diligent in prayer knowing that when we pray for things that seem impossible, we get a chance to see our faith increase and God gets a willing instrument to use. The last two weeks I have been praying for got to provide "enough" for all our teams and for myself. Enough patience to make it through the day, enough work for the work site, enough sleep to function, enough perseverance to push through the hard patches in the week, enough food that everyone's full, etc. I have always considered abundance as what I need and have found myself frantic when it gets down to the wire, but there has always been "enough."
Week one down in Memphis, seven more to go, and there is no turning back now. Tonight we went out to dinner with our missionary partners, who just might be the most amazing people I’ve ever worked with. As we stood on the bank of the Mighty Mississippi the hot Memphis air competed with the smooth breeze of an impending storm and we talked of injustice and grace.
Steve, one of our partners, said, “Bad neighborhoods aren’t bad because bad people move in; they’re bad because good people move out. In your best neighborhood you will have bad people and there is nothing that will change that.” They drove us around several neighborhoods and pointed out dozens of houses of people who have chosen to move into the roughest, toughest, scariest places because they understand what these people need most is consistency and someone to love them. They need someone who is going to hold them accountable to what they do, to show up to sporting events when their parents won’t, someone to provide a safe haven and a strong hand. They don’t need our pity or our money; they need faith, but most importantly peace.
In the car on our way home from dinner we talked about intentional living strategies. When you’re called to a foreign country to do ministry, what do you do to prepare for that transition? 1) Move there, duh. 2) Study the culture and history. 3) Learn the language. 4)Find out where they –ing and –ing with them. (I.E. Shopping, eating, walking, laughing, etc.). You will bumble through attempted friendships until you find someone who is warm, excepting and willing to teach you the ins and outs of this new place. The exact same thing works for inner city ministry. Turns out it’s not rocket science after all, but it takes a whole lot of perseverance.
You will face resistance, be pushed back and knocked down several times until it seems like you’re ready to give up, but the moment when you’re at your wit’s end is when it gets good.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
6/25/2011
Colton, Emily, and I have just said good bye to our second group of student and are taking a break at the Memphis Public Library. This last trip started off with a bang... well it was more of a smash... Within the first hour of the trip the youth pastor, the female adult staff, and myself managed to accidentally break a window of the fifteen passenger van in an attempt to retrieve the keys that were locked inside. A few minor cuts, a trash bag, some duct tape, and a whole lot of sweeping later, the window was patched.
the week did get better from there.
One question that I want to be able to answer at the end of my summer is this: How has prayer shaped the last 10 weeks?
I want to be more diligent in prayer knowing that when we pray for things that seem impossible, we get a chance to see our faith increase and God gets a willing instrument to use. The last two weeks I have been praying for got to provide "enough" for all our teams and for myself. Enough patience to make it through the day, enough work for the work site, enough sleep to function, enough perseverance to push through the hard patches in the week, enough food that everyone's full, etc. I have always considered abundance as what I need and have found myself frantic when it gets down to the wire, but there has always been "enough."
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Fools in the Kingdom
Do you ever have moments where things really do seem to be in slow motion? Like those moments in the movies when the guy sees the girl of his dreams gently tuck her hair behind her ear or the father watches his children giggling in the front yard after a long day at work. I had one of those as I walked from the LeaderTreks office to my car tonight. I started thinking about the very first summer I spent with LT as an intern. There was so much question to what would happen over then next 10 weeks and I questioned if I had what it took to make it through. I had no idea what was coming. As I turned back towards the building the slow motion hit and I felt in the bottom of my stomach the same feeling I felt as an intern. The one that told me I was on the edge of something much larger than myself. The one that says the weight you're about to take on will grow you and make you fall more in love with your Savior in the most challenging life experience. The one that reminds me there is hope and peace to be found. The one that whispers stories of lives that are about to encounter the living God in ways they have never before.
This will be my third summer of trip and I still feel like I have no business being in the authority position I am. Everyday I am humbled to know that I have been entrusted with SO much. My feeble hands will help restore the Kingdom of God? Really? If God chooses the foolish things of the world to shame the wise, then I am definitly a fool and ready to be foolish.
This will be my third summer of trip and I still feel like I have no business being in the authority position I am. Everyday I am humbled to know that I have been entrusted with SO much. My feeble hands will help restore the Kingdom of God? Really? If God chooses the foolish things of the world to shame the wise, then I am definitly a fool and ready to be foolish.
Friday, May 27, 2011
Office Frustrations
Lately I have been stressed. Summer is coming sooner than I would ever want and there is still much to be done. Usually when there's an upcoming holiday I look forward to a day to kick back and hang out with people. Not this time. I look at this Memorial Day as a time stealer. One less day this week that I can get things done and one day longer that I have to wait to talk to the people I need to.
It takes me quite a long time to get to the point of being frustrated or frazzled but once I get there I cannot come down until the task is resolved. Unfortunately I am over a week away from resolution and the stress continues to take a toll on my sleep and back muscles.
It's not the events of the summer that have me worried, it's not the responsibilities that I will assume, and certainly not the amount of teaching that I will have to do; all of that I'm excited for. No, it's the paperwork. It's all the last minute paper work no one sees as being important until someone is demanding they have it. I wish that people took more care in complying with the seemingly insignificant tasks. I know my life would benefit from it.
But you know what? The summer will come and the summer will go and trips will happen and all will be well. Just getting to that point right now seems impossible.
It takes me quite a long time to get to the point of being frustrated or frazzled but once I get there I cannot come down until the task is resolved. Unfortunately I am over a week away from resolution and the stress continues to take a toll on my sleep and back muscles.
It's not the events of the summer that have me worried, it's not the responsibilities that I will assume, and certainly not the amount of teaching that I will have to do; all of that I'm excited for. No, it's the paperwork. It's all the last minute paper work no one sees as being important until someone is demanding they have it. I wish that people took more care in complying with the seemingly insignificant tasks. I know my life would benefit from it.
But you know what? The summer will come and the summer will go and trips will happen and all will be well. Just getting to that point right now seems impossible.
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