Turns out that I'm just as bad about updating my blog as I am at getting newsletters out in a timely manner. Truth is when I sit down to write, I could write for days about life, God, and the adventure that happens when the two intersect. It's overwhelming and quite frankly frustrating that I don't know enough words to accurately describe what it is I'm thinking/feeling in that moment. Most of the time, if I can't say it how I want to, I just don't say it at all. I'm quite stubborn like that. But that does no one any good. I don't get to share the stories of my life, you don't get updates, and God gets no glory for it all. Such a tragedy. I can choose to think that it's because I really care about the quality of the work I produce so it has to be perfect, but it's really about me not wanting to be an obedient fool.
Let me unpack that: we've got it all wrong if we think what we should be working towards is getting things right every single time, first time, every time; never falling into temptation, never making the same mistake twice, forgetting what we already know, etc. But it's not. It's about taking those awkward, stumbling steps of obedience. The ones that come only from sheer determination of knowing this is what needs to happen. Like watching someone whose leg has fallen asleep try to run and answer the phone. It has to be answered but getting there is going to be messy and undignified.
I will fall and it will be messy and you might think less of me for my lack of perfection, but that doesn't matter. The world wants absolutes and perfection from me, but the best that I can muster- and will ever be able to muster- is a shipwrecked soul in dire need of grace. I will never be able to walk though life sans mistakes. I will never have it all together all the time. I will doubt. I will sin. I will hurt those I love most. Because I am human. That fact doesn't excuse me from all these things. I deserve punishment for them, but God shows me kindness and forbearance of sentencing which brings me to my knees in repentance. They remind me of the fool that I am and how God has chosen me to be a part of the process of His Kingdom.
Since this realization life has become more rich, knowing I have nothing to hide behind. I am free from the millstone of perfection around my neck and can breath in deep the love that I don't deserve, but that no one can take from me. My only choice is to accept it and try to say thank you with these awkward, stumbling steps of obedience.
